Friday, May 29, 2009

How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

Steven D. Solomon, PhD

I t seems that every week we learn about another politician, sports star or celebrity caught having an extramarital affair. But public figures are hardly the only ones guilty of infidelity. Surveys show that between 40% and 60% of husbands and between 30% and 50% of wives will be unfaithful at some point during their marriages.

Loneliness is the most common cause of infidelity. Almost everyone who enters into marriage does so intending to remain faithful to his/her partner, but long-term relationships are difficult. Partners often drift apart. The romance and the excitement of the initial period eventually ends. Many people do not know how to recover the closeness of a relationship once it fades, so they look outside the marriage for the fulfillment that they no longer receive at home.


The secret to a fulfilling and faithful long-term marriage is maintaining "emotional intimacy" -- openness, trust, communication and caring between partners. When spouses feel this ­intimate closeness, they are unlikely to cheat.


Emotional intimacy is not just one skill -- it is a combination of several different abilities...


SELF-INTIMACY

In order to have an emotionally intimate relationship with someone else, you first must understand your own emotions. Men in particular tend to pay insufficient attention to their emotions.


What to do: Take one to two minutes a few times a day to ask yourself three questions -- What emotion(s) am I feeling right now? What specific situation is causing me to feel these emotions? What, if anything, do I need to do about this situation to take care of myself?


Example: I'm feeling anger... I'm feeling it because that guy cut me off on the highway... The best thing I can do to take care of myself is let the anger go.

Run through these questions two or three times each day for 60 days and you will become much more aware of, and in charge of, your own emotions.


CONFLICT INTIMACY

All couples fight, but couples with emotionally intimate marriages fight productively. They don't just try to win arguments -- they listen to their partners and come to understand their points of view, even if they do not agree.


What to do: When you are at odds with your spouse, try an established technique called Initiator to Inquirer or I to I. One spouse serves as "initiator." This spouse raises a troubling issue and shares his feelings and opinions on the matter. The initiator presents these thoughts as his perspective on the situation, not as the only way to look at it.


Example: The wife, as the initiator, says, "I felt hurt because it seemed to me as if you intentionally were trying to hurt my feelings," rather than "You intentionally hurt my feelings."

The other spouse's role is "inquirer." He is to repeat back the substance of what the initiator has said to show that he has heard and understood. The inquirer then asks questions that aid in understanding.


The inquirer is not allowed to question the validity of the initiator's feelings. When the desire to do so arises (and it will), the inquirer should silently remind himself that "this is not about me... it is only about my partner's perspective on the situation, and it is important for me to understand this perspective." When the initiator has had her say, the partners can switch roles. Avoid distractions during I to I time, and do not try this when one or both of you are exhausted.


This will not be a comfortable process at first, particularly if lots of negative feelings exist between you and your spouse. If you practice it two or three times each week for about 20 minutes at a time, it can become a very useful process for working through the marital conflicts that could lead to unhappiness. You and your partner will get good at fighting productively, which will end up bringing you closer.


AFFECTION INTIMACY

Being in love with your partner is not enough to prevent infidelity. You also must show your love and affection in the ways that your partner needs. Even a well-meaning spouse can run into trouble here if he fails to realize that the type of affection he is providing is not the type that his partner desires. Types of marital affection include...


  • Verbal. How often do you tell your partner that you love him? How often do you express your gratitude for the things your partner does for you?
  • Actions. How often do you do things just because your partner enjoys having them done? This might include buying a gift or doing some favor or chore for the partner that goes beyond your normal responsibilities.
  • Physical (nonsexual). How often do you hold hands, hug or kiss your partner? How often do you provide foot massages or back rubs?
  • Sexual. How often do you have sex with your partner?


What to do: Do not assume that your partner desires the same types of affection that you do or that you know what your partner needs because you have been together for years. Come right out and ask your partner what types of affection he/she would like you to provide more often. Get specifics. Then communicate your own needs. Do not take it personally if your partner says you have not shown enough affection. This reflects the partner's personal affection needs, not your own shortcomings.


Example: A man thinks he shows his wife plenty of affection by buying gifts, holding hands and helping out around the house. His wife feels he is never affectionate, because she wants verbal affection and he never says, "I love you."


If you fail to provide the types and amounts of affection that your partner considers appropriate, your spouse may stray. Provide the desired affection, and your spouse is less likely to seek it from others.


To tell or not to tell

My patients who have had or are having extramarital affairs often ask me if they should tell their spouses about the affair. I tell them that if the affair is ongoing and you have no intention of ending it, then you must. Infidelity is a major violation of marital trust, and the very least you owe your partner is the opportunity to deal with the violation as he sees fit, whether that means divorce, separation, couples therapy or something else.


If your infidelity has ended and you have no intention of repeating it, it might be better to leave the past in the past. Do not confess to unfaithfulness simply because it will feel good to get it off your chest. Telling your spouse could cause more pain and problems than it solves.


E-mail this Article

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Steven D. Solomon, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in La Jolla, California. He has more than 20 years of experience in couples therapy. www.therelationshipinstitute.org. He is past president of the San Diego Psychological Association and coauthor of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Fw: OPEN NOW! NSF $$ Attacked



--- On Sat, 5/23/09, Natural Solutions Foundation <healthfreedomusa@mail.democracyinaction.org> wrote:

From: Natural Solutions Foundation <healthfreedomusa@mail.democracyinaction.org>
Subject: OPEN NOW! NSF $$ Attacked
To: stars2man@yahoo.com
Date: Saturday, May 23, 2009, 6:01 PM

EMERGENCY NOTICE

To All Natural Solutions Supporters:

This is an emergency appeal for help and support. No fancy graphics, none of the important information about health and freedom you usually get from our Health Freedom Action eAlerts... just this note to tell you Natural Solutions Foundation is about to be shut down - permanently - through a series of vicious attacks unless you help keep Health Freedom alive.  It's that serious.

We were preparing a new Blast and were going to tell you about the exciting news - Dr. Rima's Advanced Medicine organization, which endorses the Natural Solutions Foundation, has just come out against ALL GMOs... we were going to tell you about the growing alliance between health freedom advocates and natural farming groups to fight the (sic) "Food Safety" bills... we were going to tell you about our efforts to secure your right to self-quarantine in the event of a weaponized flu pandemic, instead of being forced to take a vaccine that might kill you...
until this vicious attack took place and we had to change our direction from health freedom information and action to making sure Natural Solutions Foundation, the largest and most effective health freedom organization in the world, stays alive. 

After all, if Natural Solutions Foundation were not making the kind of headway we are, why would we be attacked?  Why would we be the subject of constant disinformation and why would our funds, and funding, be attacked the way they have been?

So instead of news and action steps, we have an emergency to deal with.  It is called "survival".  Right now we have to tell you that we are about to lose access to our internet communication platform, Democracy in Action (DIA), the online facility that lets us send these eblasts to a quarter million people (not counting the several million more to whom they are forwarded).  We also have to tell you that we cannot pay the Natural Solutions Foundation's bills for this month because of this attack.  The money that we intended to pay them with has been taken from our bank account as part of the continuing attack on us, leaving us many thousands of dollars short.

We've already told you about the cyber attack we've been under, in which an "attack bot" was sending tens of thousands of fake $1 'donations' to us; and how even though we believe that their system should have caught the obviously fraudulent 'donations' (about which we notified them), the unfriendly corporation known as "authorize.net" decided to charge us ten cents for each fraudulent transaction - even after we purchased their so-called "Fraud Protection Suite" for a montly fee.  That means that the more than 100,000 fraudulent transactions the bot generated have cost us an enormous amount of money.  Authorize.net simply took those disputed charges from the Foundation bank account into which credit card purchases and donations were automatically deposited.  To date they have now taken thousands of dollars from our Foundation bank account, including all of your DIA donations from last month, leaving us with a negative account balance. We can't pay DIA. We can't pay our bills.  We can't attend the Codex meeting in Rome this coming July. Soon we won't be able to communicate with you at all.

Why?  Because today we received this note from DIA: "...past due balance ($6,450). This is unacceptable and if the remainder of the two invoices is not paid by the end of this week we will suspend service and potentially terminate our relationship..."

That's it folks. Unless we raise about $7,000 immediately to pay DIA, we will be terminated by our communication platform. No more concerted efforts that have had such powerful effects...

And unless we raise another $10K to pay our outstanding monthly expenses, and enough money to go to Codex in July, we will be on the outside, looking in... without being there for you.

You can see what we've accomplished with your help at: http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?page_id=195

It is really ironic that if everyone reading this email blast did, in fact, what the bot was supposedly doing, making donations of small amounts, we would not have this problem.  The fact is, however, that less than 4% of our primary mailing list readers (and that list is about 1/4 million people) donate.  Of the secondary list -- millions of people (!) a much, much smaller percentage donate.  Yes, they take action, and for that we are most appreciative, but they do not donate.  "Let George [or Jose, or Pierre, or Sasha, or Ng, or Warantai] do it!" 

The truth of the matter is that health freedom belongs to every one of us and we need your help, large or small, and we need it now.

You will only be able to donate through our PayPal portal since we have shut off the credit card system that uses authorize.net or through sending checks or money orders to us at

Natural Solutions Foundation
PO Box 722
Maryville MO 64468

We need your help to keep us alive and helping you by carrying out the battle for your health freedom.

Please, please give generously today: http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?page_id=189. Recurring donations, whatever their size, are urgently needed.  All donations are tax deductible in the US.  Donations are accepted from supporters all over the world.

If everyone who normally opens this eblast donates even a few dollars every month, Natural Solutions Foundation will survive. It is up to you.  Is it worth $5 or $10 or more? We believe it is and we urgently hope that you think so, too. Large numbers of supporters open every blast: we need your help now!

Among our innovations on your behalf is the thrust to demand the right to self-quarantine if a Pandemic (real or imagined) is called, rather than be forced to take weaponized vaccines for a weaponized virus.

So, for as long as our communication platform remains available, send a message to Congress, your Governor and State legislators: we want our right to self-quarantine, in the event of a pandemic, to be legally secured:

http://salsa.democracyinaction.org/o/568/campaign.jsp?campaign_KEY=27275

Remember, there is no one but you who can make sure that the Natural Solutions Foundation, your health freedom voice, stays alive.  We believe you want us at Codex in July.  We believe you want our Health Freedom Action eAlerts.  We believe you want our information and we believe that you want our Health Freedom Action Steps as part of the vast army of Mouse Warriors riding the Freedom Mouse for your own well-being and the well-being of those you love.

Now is the time to show that our belief in you is justified.

Help us recover from these devastating attacks and emerge stronger and more powerful than ever.  Codex Commission meeting is coming in July.  We want to be there for you.  Help make sure it happens.  We want to continue to inform and activate the health freedom community. Help make sure it happens.

If there is an Angel out there who can help us put our finances back in order, we need you to contact us immediately. Please contact our counsel Ralph Fucetola at ralph.fucetola@usa.net.

Please, please give generously today: http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?page_id=189.

Thank you, each and every one of you, for your donations, large and small.  Each one will help to ensure that the Natural Solutions Foundation survives to continue the battle for YOUR health freedom.

Yours in Health and Freedom,

Maj. Gen. Albert N. Stubblebine III (U.S. A. Ret.)
President

Rima E. Laibow, MD
Medical Director

Ralph Fucetola, JD
Counsel

Natural Solutions Foundation

www.HealthFreedomUSA.org
www.GlobalHealthFreedom.org
www.NaturalSolutionsFoundation.org
www.Organics4U.org
www.NaturalSolutionsMarketPlace.org

PS: If you are a customer of our virtual stores, www.Organics4U.org and www.NaturalSolutionsMarketPlace.org you probably recieved the following letter from Gail Coba, our wonderful Customer Service lady:

From: Gail Coba <marketplaceinfo@gmail.com>
Date: Sat, May 23, 2009 at 1:32 AM
Subject: An Important Message from Natural Solutions Foundation
To: healthoptions@hughes.net

Dear Supporters and Customers

The Natural Solutions Foundation's Marketplace "online Mall" has been attacked by Credit Card Hackers.  We have had to suspend our credit card processing with Authorize.net.  We do have Pay Pal in place and that system is working fine.  We don't want to put your information at risk, nor ours - so we are asking our customers and supporters to continue their patronage using the Pay Pal system for now. 

We are investigating the security of other systems for those of you who prefer another option.
We plan on bringing a more secure online system into place very very soon.  We will dispatch another email to you personally to advise you.

Please know that this change is necessary only because fraudulent charges were being tested in the Natural Solutions account.  We found that with all the security features in place, that the real orders received, were being rejected along with the fraudulent orders.

We truly apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you, however it is a necessary step to insure our security and we will correct this situation as soon as possible. 

If you have a monthly recurring charge on your credit card - that is not with Pay Pal, please contact me immediately.  If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to email me.  Thank you for your patience with this concern.

Gail Coba
Marketplace Operations
Natural Solutions Foundation - Dr. Rima Laibow
marketplaceinfo@gmail.com

------------------------

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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression - United for Freedom

United for Freedom

Love is the Only Engine of Survival..

Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression

Elitists divided on whether to quickly sink economy and replace it with new world order, or set in motion long, agonizing depression

Leaked Agenda: Bilderberg Group Plans Economic Depression 060509top2

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day Procolamation, Julia Ward Howe

Mothers' Day Proclamation: Julia Ward Howe, Boston, 1870

Mother's Day was originally started after the Civil War, as a protest to the carnage of that war, by women who had lost their sons. Here is the original Mother's Day Proclamation from 1870, followed by a bit of history (or should I say "herstory"):

......................................

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!

Say firmly: "We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says "Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."

Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.

Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

Julia Ward Howe
Boston
1870


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